Numb

Every time before Trent comes home, or I go to visit him, I get sort of numb. There is a lack of feeling, emotion, and clarity. Then, about an hour before, I get nervous, and utterly anxious. I have been with this boy for almost 6 years, and still I get nervous. I guess that is a good thing, but what I am trying to sort out is this numb feeling I have now. It is almost a separation from my body, so I don't have to think about what is lying ahead (even if it is a good thing). The difference this time than all the others, is that he doesn't have to leave again.

A brief history for those that don't know about my love, Trent. We have been dating for almost 6 years (ever since my last year in H.S.), and since then have had one of the strangest long distance relationships ever. We are both very much in love, but have not lived on the same continent for about 5 years. He is in the military, and was stationed in Kosovo, Germany, and Iraq, but is now getting out.

I am so used to him being on some sort of time limit, where every moment is precious (although I still hope every moment is) because I know that soon I will have to say goodbye again. It is weird to think that this time is different. No more goodbyes, at least not to the same extent. I can't even fathom that we can now be together ALL the time. Honestly, it is making me a bit nervous because I know we have a lot to sort out. It is a frightening, yet exciting, knowing that we have so much to look forward to in the future. Maybe my mind is going numb because I can't yet deal with all of those feelings. It is weird.

Send Me On My Way

Do you ever hear that one song that makes you want to jump in your car and drive away? "Send Me On My Way" by Rusted Root is that song for me. I was recently updating my ITunes library (yes, I am a Mac junkie), and that song started playing. Now I'm not sure if it triggers that type of emotion in me, or if I am just getting really restless here in the city.

For those of you that don't know me, which is probably most, I recently (last fall) moved to Chicago from Minneapolis. While I love living in a big city, it is hard to get away to someplace quiet. I live with 3 other girls, work constantly, and live very close to the El which makes for a not so peaceful atmosphere. This constant noise is starting to get on my nerves, and I think my mind is begging for a vacation. So, when this particular tune started to play, all I could think about was packing my things, getting in my car, and driving home. Somewhere peaceful. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere not here.

I'm not sure this is a completely healthy response to stress...to just want to run away. I would like to think of myself as a contemplative person, but recently I haven't been able to separate myself from the craziness to deal with it in my head. The good news is that in about a week I will get a chance to do just what this song is provoking me to do...to get in my car (by myself) and drive 16 hours home. If that doesn't help me sort through some things, I don't know what will.

Old Soul

I was told recently, by a 36 year old, that I was an "old soul." It is true that for only being 23, I am pretty mature/old lady like. Since that comment was made, I have been trying to figure out what it is that makes me that way. Unlike a lot of people I've known throughout the years, mainly most of my college friends, I have been the same person since I was about 15 years old. I think for most it takes those first couple of years away from home to become comfortable in your own skin, to find out who you "really" are, but for me I really haven't changed in the last 8 years. For the most part, I have always been the same pushy, fun-loving, dancing-queen, egotistical, generous, loving person. Maybe that is why now, only at 23 years, I seem so much older. Any thoughts?

The more I think about it, I am not sure I like being considered old for my age. Not that I want to be considered immature, but it made me think that maybe I am missing out on the ability to be a kid once and a while. I feel like I'm at an age where I can get away with things just because I am still young, where in a few years people would say, "she should know better by now." Don't get me wrong, there are still times when all I want to do is crawl up in to my mom's lap and feel safe again, but for the most part I love feeling independent, strong, and wise (although I still feel like Lexi is the wisest). I know for a fact that I am not nearly as spontaneous as I used to be, and that is a bit disappointing. Something I need to work on.

Does all of this come from how we are brought up? One thing that I have always appreciated about my mom is that I had to start working when I was 14. If I wanted something, I usually had to save up for it. The fact that I have always had to work for most of what I wanted has made me feel more grown up/responsible for some reason, but there were times growing up that I felt like more of an adult than my parents, mainly my dad. I am to a point now where I see that wasn't the case, but never the less I think it made me develop this type of maturity at an earlier age.

My goal in response to this is to try and find a balance between being responsible, and allowing myself to make mistakes, act like a kid, and be silly.

The story of One Simple Light

I am reading "The Birth of Venus" by Sarah Dunant right now, and there are bits and pieces of Dante's works throughout the story. I don't exactly know why right now, but this stanza from Dante's Inferno caught my attention. Hence, where I came up with the idea for the title of my blog. While sexual in its connotation in the story, I think it can sum up a lot of very close relationships. I will have to expand on this at a later, more coherent time, but all I know is that it spoke to me.

In that abyss I saw how love held bound
Into one volume all the leaves whose flight
Is scattered through the universe around;
How substance, accident, and mode unite,
Fused, so to speak, together, in such wise
That this I tell of: one simple light.

- Dante's Inferno

Overview

I guess the reason for these blogs is mainly to get my never-ending thoughts out where I, and I guess lots of others, can see them. Although mainly for me, there is a little bit of me that finds it comforting to share these thoughts with others....mainly others that don't know me. I would appreciate any, and all feedback that you can offer, whether good or bad. So, without further ado here is a brief overview of me:

Age: 23
Education: recent graduate from University of Minnesota with a major in Graphic Design
Residence: Chicago presently, but looking to move
Hometown: Rapid City, SD (close to Mt. Rushmore)
SO: Trent
Occupation: Online Admissions Advisor (not really all that great)
Favorite Bands: The Shins, The Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie, Dave Matthews Band
Favorite Movies: Garden State, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Schindler's List, Napoleon Dynamite, Dumb and Dumber
Favorite Books: The Testament, She’s Come Undone, The Lovely Bones, The DaVinci Code, Jitterbug Perfume
Interests: traveling, design, photography, knitting, reading, funny people, the 80’s, anything in InTouch (I know it’s trashy, but I love it)

So, now that you know a little about me, me in the online sense, you can either choose to take it or leave it. If you choose the take it path, thanks for listening.