Moving out, Moving on

It's hard to believe we will actually be leaving Chicago for good in about a week. Some days it feels like I just moved here, while others it feels like a lifetime ago. There are mixed feelings that go along with this year long experience; fondness, growth, disappointment, loneliness, and strength are just a few.

In the beginning (last September), I moved in with three girls, Molly, Amy, and Meghan (well Meghan's from Florida, but they all went to OSU).I had lived with Molly for 6 months in Italy, and she was my kindred spirit from the start. We were instant friends, and we seemed so similar. Once back in the "real" world, things just weren't the same. Maybe my rose colored glasses had come off, or maybe she/I/we had changed. The fun-loving, laid back, beautiful soul I had grown to love was no longer there, or had changed in to something I couldn't recognize. At first I was disappointed that my friend had disappeared, and in her place was this new person I hardly recognized. Throughout the year, I have struggled to get to know this new Molly, and I am growing to love her too, but it just isn't the same.

Throughout my life I have made and kept friends from various points in my life. I would like to believe that I am a good friend, and I think the fact that I have such close relationships with my good friends is a testament to that, but for some reason I cannot get close to these girls. In my head, and from what I think friendships should be like, they don't know the first thing about what a good friend is. I know this to be partially true about them, but at other times I am way too harsh. I don't even give them a chance anymore to ease their way in to that aspect of my life, or maybe I've given them too many chances and I'm done with it. Either way, I am finally OK about them just being my roommates, and moving on from them once Trent and I move away. Hopefully this is just one of those situations where we can't live together, but can friends when we're not. I do have to say this, once Meghan moved out, the tension around our house eased up a lot.

Maybe these thoughts are just tied to the fact that I am anxious to move on to the next part of my life. I am anxious to move in to an apartment with Trent that is just ours. It is scary, but exciting at the same time. I mean we live together now, but because there are two other people living there too it doesn't feel like our life together has really started yet. Plus, we are both ready to get out of Chicago and move to Denver. Denver is much more our style.

I feel that Chicago has changed me in many ways, some good, and some bad. Some of the good things include the fact that through work experiences I have made really good friends. Also, I have realized that no matter how much money I could make, there are some jobs that just aren't worth it. Because of this, my interest in furthering myself academically and in the design world has been increased. As for the bad, I am much more uptight, and stressed out. One of the best things about my experience in Italy was the slowness of life. You were actually given the opportunity to enjoy experiences, but here everything moves so fast. Partially an American aspect, but also I think because of the size of the city. I find myself getting caught up in it. For example, the first time I visited Chicago, it was overwhelming, beautiful, and unique. Now, as I hurry from work, hurry down the street, hurry to the train, and hurry in to my apartment I am missing everything. I don't take the time anymore to just stop and witness the world going on around me, and it makes me extremely sad. I also seem to be way older than my actual 23 years. I am sick of that, and I want to be who I am, and who I know I can be.

This post is going nowhere, and getting really long, but I just wanted to throw these thoughts out there. Hopefully, as this new stage in my life begins, I can keep in mind the goods and the bads of this past year, and more confidently move forward.